Pusillanimous
by Totally Alone
Summary: Zero hated how he lusted for blood. It was a deadly addiction with an ever tightening noose, inescapable and unavoidable. But even then, he was unable to accept the truth about himself, and what he had become. And so he continued to suffer in silence.


**. .;"Pusillanimous";. .**

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Meaning:

_lacking in courage and resolution, contemptibly fearful; cowardly._

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Zero hated how he lusted for blood. He hated how he had to drink it, against his will; he hated how much he relied on that substance to remain sane, let alone to stay alive – a constant reminder of what he had become.

Yuuki wasn't going to let him forget that either. Her compassion-driven compliance hurt him almost as badly as her rejection would have. It was ironic, really, how the mind worked. It refused and yearned for the same thing at the same time, tearing his heart and soul in a way he once thought impossible. And so Zero turned away from Yuuki, and everything else that reminded him of a normal life, preferring solitude to the warmth of friendship.

Still, that did absolutely _nothing_ to assuage the growing hunger gnawing away at him, icy hands that squeezed and twisted his innards and plain refused to let go. Grappling with it was like wrestling a grizzly bear, stubborn and unyielding with its simple, one-way animalistic thinking. Resisting it was just so _hard_. Sometimes Zero wondered why he bothered at all, when he had a means of ending his suffering at his disposal: his trustworthy Bloody Rose.

Zero glanced down at the gun. It gleamed under what little sunlight that had managed to seep into his room through the crack in the curtains, though the words inscribed on it remained pitch black. He remembered the one time he actually came within seconds of pulling the trigger, stopped only by Yuuki's sudden appearance and violent outburst that subsequently knocked the weapon out of his hand. He had considered throwing her off and completing his deed anyway – he was sure Yuuki felt what was coming in the tense rippling of his arm and leg muscles, being straddled by her as he was – but then he remembered the sweet innocence within her he cherished so much, and snuffed out the enticing thought.

Imagining her horror was bad enough. He didn't want to put it to the test. He could imagine her shocked expression, eyes so wide with horror that they looked blank; her arms slack by her sides as she sat drenched in scarlet blood, echoing of an innocence lost. Despite what Yuuki wanted him to believe, Zero knew she detested the sight of blood. Not her own blood – much to his chagrin, she wasn't very affected by that unless she was either deeply wounded on her neck or her wrists – but instead blood spilled from another being, necessity or not. He had gleaned the frozen, terrified look in her eyes when he was forced to kill a savage fox one winter night, her eyes unseeing yet drinking in every intricate detail of blood blossoming on soft snow with a dull horror Zero couldn't understand at that time. But he did understand one thing: Yuuki was too sweet and gentle for her own good and therefore unsuitable as a hunter.

That suited him fine, though. He didn't want to see Yuuki turn cold for the sake of duty or even for the sake of protecting others. An unsmiling Yuuki was simply unthinkable. He wanted to keep Yuuki innocent for as long as he could. God knows how that would last, though, with incessant onslaught of weird events occurring in the Academy. He wasn't even sure if Yuuki truly accepted his vampire self. It could be an act for all he knew, her acceptance nothing more than a spur-of-the-moment decision, liable to be puffed away as quickly as it had come to be.

Zero cursed himself for being selfish enough to cling onto hope. A big part of him didn't want her to turn away from him despite his encouraging her to do so ever since they met. As much as he was loathe to admit, it was partially his vampire side that wanted such, albeit not for mere friendship unlike what his human side sought – his darker side saw her as prey, something to sink his fangs into and to draw blood from. Sweet, sweet Yuuki; it figured that her blood was as sweet and unforgettable as the girl herself.

The memory of its scent and its exquisite taste, still lingered to this day, two full weeks since his vampire fangs first pierced flesh and vein. He had drawn her blood one more time after that, when she offered herself to him in his bathroom. Oh, how he hated himself then, even as he was thankful he needn't endure the torturous, freezing, icy-hot pain that lanced through him whenever he tried to restrain his bloodlust. It was getting harder ever since he first tasted the coppery tang of blood. Like a deadly addiction, tightening its noose with each indulgence.

Suddenly Zero winced and clutched his heart, bending over slightly in surprise and pain. _Speak of the devil_, he grumbled inwardly. He smothered a groan into a stifled gasp and slid a little down the wall he was leaning against. He felt so hot all of a sudden even as his fingers turned clammy and cold, piercing through the fabric of his blazer. Beads of sweat started to appear on his forehead. Releasing a shuddering breath, he shuddered and gripped his body tighter.

Bloody bloodlust.

At least it was unlikely he would run into anyone here in his own room. The last thing he wanted to do was to bite someone, especially someone from the Day Class. Zero choked on his own saliva and gurgled a moan, half-coughing, half-crying out stifled expressions of agony. He drew ragged gasps of air, desperately wondering at the rough, dry texture the air seemed to have taken at that moment. Involuntarily, his eyes flashed red before receding to violet.

He dimly registered the sound of someone knocking on his door, too blinded by a sudden spike of pain to care much.

"Zero?" The voice was muffled, but Zero could have groaned both in relief and horror at the familiarity of the voice. And groan he did, grabbing his neck and squeezing it hard.

The shuffling behind the door stopped. Yuuki seemed to be listening. "Zero…?" she queried, uncertain. By this time, Zero was doing all he could to make his moans and heavy breathing inaudible. _Not now_, he pleaded to whatever god was listening. _Please, don't let Yuuki see me now!_

No god heeded him. That was no surprise, Zero thought, though he bitterly wished they would. He heard the lock clicking as Yuuki opened the door with a spare key she held in her possession ever since he attempted suicide. Desperate now, he rolled deeper into his room, hugging himself in a bid to fend off his hunger.

Her footsteps sounded awfully loud coming from the living hall, tentative and uncertain. "Zero?" Yuuki tried again, looking around for any sign of him. A rustling sound. Then more footsteps.

Zero hissed through his teeth, digging his nails into his flesh so hard until his fingers pressed into his ribs. He fervently prayed that she would go away, even though he knew she would not. "Ahh," he groaned. His eyes flashed red again. He knew they did – he could literally see the heightened sense of sight it gave him. _Go away, Yuuki…._

But go away she did not. Zero stifled a pained whimper as Yuuki drew closer to his hiding place. His eyes, fully red now, stared hard at her silhouette beyond the curtains. Her pulse enticed him, drew his vampire half out of his human husk; a continuous, steady beating under her skin. He could hear it loud and clear.

Zero exhaled noisily, shuddering at the sudden drop in temperature only he seemed to feel. The floor, so inviting a few moments ago, wasn't inviting anymore. It grabbed at his torso and kept him down with cold fingers of cement in a silent mockery of his loneliness. Zero didn't like it, but what choice did he have?

_No, don't come near me,_ he moaned desperately in his mind. At times like these, he really wished that his being turned brought with it the gifts true vampires have – more specifically only one gift: mind-control. The gift of bending the will of another with nothing more than a thought, of making humans into mindless puppets with a touch of one's mind. Yes, that would come in handy right now.

"Ah, Zero! What are you--" Yuuki stopped in mid-sentence and in mid-step upon seeing him on the floor. Zero cursed lightly at failing to avoid detection. Slowly letting go of his body, he forced his body into a sitting position and turned to face her, although he kept his head down. He could barely see her from behind his fringe, but he knew she was there, her beckoning pulse strong and steady in her veins.

"What?" he rasped, taking the opportunity to draw a pained, ragged breath. Yuuki started to crouch to get a better look at him. Zero started to panic. She mustn't see him now, not now, and damn it, _don't expose your neck to me!_

"Don't," he snapped. And much to his relief, she stopped, though he could see that she was worried. "I was just sleeping."

"Like that?" Zero could imagine her dubious look, one eyebrow arched and a finger to her lower lip. "Doesn't look comfortable…and why didn't you use your bed?" she continued.

His mind raced to find a suitable, Zero-like answer, one that would throw her suspicions out of the window. As though his body sensed his panic (and he wouldn't be surprised if it really did), his savage hunger grew in intensity. He could cry out in pain if the situation allowed it.

Smothering his moan with a weak snort, he tilted his head a fraction to the left, further away from that sweet blood – that sweet_ girl_, he amended hastily, but he was in no state to fully regret his former opinion of her. His rational side was losing and he knew it. Casting around desperately for an answer, he paused and blurted the first thing that came to mind.

"I was lazy to go to bed."

Zero heard Yuuki cry out disbelievingly and almost smiled with relief. _Almost there_, he coaxed himself. Despite the agonizing spasms shooting up his muscles, he made to stand up, or at least pretended to.

"Isn't it time for the Night Class to come out?" he said. He hoped that Yuuki didn't notice him slumping towards the wall as he spoke. Apparently she didn't, but she _did_ forget her prefect's duty just then. He continued speaking before Yuuki could grab his hand and drag him with her. Such a catastrophe that would be, like throwing a wolf into a flock of sheep. "I'll be right behind you," he promised, an empty promise with hollow words.

She caught on to it quickly and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. You'd better!" Throwing a glare at Zero, she turned and left the room. Zero watched her go, the scent of her blood so tantalising that it took all of his self-restraint to keep himself on the floor until the door closed behind her.

Once he was sure she had left, he uttered a cry and clawed at the floor, horrified when his nails made screeching noises on the tiles. From that he knew his nails had elongated in preparation to attack. _Not to kill_, he vowed._ Never._ Another shiver ran down the length of his spine. Already he could feel his canines pushing against his lower lip, still too blunt to pierce the soft membrane.

Zero squeezed his eyes shut in pain. The hunger borne of his bloodlust easily made mincemeat of his stomach. "Agh," he choked, curling into a fetal position as a poor replacement for hugging himself since his fingernails were now more claw than nail.

In a moment of desperation, he bit down on his lip and sucked greedily at the blood that poured forth from the wounds. It tasted bland and bitter, nothing like Yuuki's sweet and rich blood. He swallowed it anyway, forcing it down his throat and reopening the wounds when the flow of blood stopped, biting a little deeper each time as he sank further into the euphoria induced by the feel of blood running down his parched throat.

Certainly recycling his own blood was far less effective than Yuuki's fresh blood was, bordering on totally useless, but four years of resisting bloodlust had given Zero a strong sense of perseverance. A little would be enough, he promised himself. It was still blood, after all. It would do. It _must_.

By the time he was able to rein in his hunger, his lips were chafed and cracked from lack of blood and moisture, and riddled with punctures on the inside. His finger muscles still trembled with the aftermath of his spasms, causing his fingers to jerk uncontrollably. Zero sighed and leaned against the wall. From what he could see in the mirror, though, his violet irises still held flecks of red. It irked him to no end.

Dragging his feet to the nearest window, he peeked at the numerous but tiny white and black specks in the distance. He couldn't find Yuuki in such a big crowd so far away, but he knew what she was doing – yelling and running up and down to make sure none of the Day Class students overstepped their boundaries. She would fail again, as always. Zero allowed a small, ironic smile to etch itself on his otherwise pale, blank face.

_I'm sorry, Yuuki_, he said silently to the girl.

_Promises are made to be broken_.

But Yuuki was not.

.;– _the end_ –;.

'Pusillanimous', because Zero dares not trust himself enough to receive Yuuki openly as a friend (or maybe something more…?). Cowardly, because he dares not say his feelings out loud.

It might not be the perfect title, but I'm satisfied. So there.

Please read and review. Constructive criticism especially welcomed.


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